Tuesday, August 25, 2009


Sometimes my dad just cracks me right the heck up!

My sister, Mary, just told me this story:

Mary has 2 vehicles right now - 1 is sitting at my parents house, waiting to be sold. She went to check on it today and when she opened the door she noticed there was a really large hornets nest on the crack of the door. She didn't want to touch it so I'm guessing she ran inside and told my 72 year old Dad to take care of it. After awhile of waiting, she received this text message from him:

(ps- I think it's funnier if you read the periods as *stop* because my dad likes to text like he's sending a telegram.)

Messed up *stop*
Jar did not cover nest *stop*
30 came after me *stop*
Ran like hell *stop*
Now 40 out there looking for me *stop*
Jar, spatula, my shoes & my confidence on the ground while I wait *stop*

Pops - you're hilarious!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


I was reading a few of my older posts and realized that I promised to give updates on them but I never have. Here are a few:

Remember That One Time . . . Massage.
I have since had another naked massage experience and I have come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. This experience wasn't anything like the first one, however, still very uncomfortable. The man was older and very nice. He had a soothing voice and he didn't say anything inappropriate, in fact, he didn't talk much at all, which is actually what I wanted. But it still wasn't that great. I just don't think I could ever relax knowing a complete stranger is not only looking at me while I'm naked, but also touching me while I'm naked. It does not make for a very relaxing situation.

The Saddest Day of My Life.
This is a pretty long story, you're welcome to read all 5 parts if you want or not, I don't care. I just wanted to tell you that I'm still having tire problems. It's a curse I tell you, a curse! Two weeks ago I put 5 new tires on my Jeep. The spare tire on the back was apparently too heavy for the tire swing and it broke, leaving the tire just dangling there. Lucky for me I made it all the way home before it decided to fall off completely. I'll let you know if my luck with tires ever changes.

Why, Hot Dog Man? Why?
The Hot Dog man has had some extremely bad luck lately. Since this post his cart has completely stopped working. He can't even sell stupid turkey dogs. Also - his truck broke down and since he can't sell hot dogs, he doesn't have any money, so he can't fix his truck. He still comes out almost every day though. Sometimes he'll bring a cooler full of drinks and just sit there on the corner. Every once in a while I'll buy a pop and give him a pretty good tip. I feel terrible! If you're walking past the corner of 200 South and Main during lunch time, please stop and buy a pop from the guy. Okay?

Coffee Talk
Since this post I have had about 12 opportunities to make the coffee using tap water. He has yet to tell the difference. I think it's time I take this to the next level. Could you please give me some ideas on what I can put in the coffee, just to see if he can taste it? Nothing too gross, k. :)

Dear Mormon Bachelor Pad:
After receiving a request for a time and place meeting, I decided What The Heck! and I actually posted the time and place of my singles ward and what I would be wearing. However, I did not meet the elusive Bachelors. I may have posted this too late, or they may have come to my singles ward and decided I was not cool enough for friendship (which is completely absurd, I realize.) Who knows? I'm still going to read their blog though, because well, it's really funny.

A bunch of my friends are convinced that the Bachelors are actually one guy - John Maxim. I'm not convinced though. I'll let you know if I ever meet the real Bachelors - it's entirely possible that I already have. We were at the same church activity Monday night.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Wedding Cake


What the heck makes wedding cake taste so much better than regular cake? And why, for that matter, can't they mix up the same ingredients and just call it regular cake? I don't get it.


My boss brought in a huge slab of wedding cake from his daughters wedding last Monday. It has been sitting in the fridge for exactly 7 days with a piece of plastic wrap gently draped over it. Not a very secure covering - that's what I'm getting at. I noticed one of my bosses eating a piece for lunch today and he said that it was delicious. I didn't entirely believe him because of the previous mentioned state that it had been kept in. But I decided to try it anyway. He was not lying - it was ultra delicious! I don't get it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Dear Mormon Bachelor Pad:

Can we be friends?

My attractiveness level is in the 6.7-8.2 range. My coolness level is a solid 9.5. I give spectacular back scratches during sacrament meeting, but I do require one in return. I can appreciate a little scruff in the facial hair department. I laugh at most funny things, and I have loads of attractive girl friends.

I look forward to your response.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

No Soliciting

I work in an office that receives a ton of solicitors. I never know how to handle solicitors. Should I be rude? Should I cut them off? Should I ask them to leave now and never come back? Or should I listen to they're whole schpeal and kindly refuse them after they are done?

Unless I'm in a horribly foul mood, I usually listen to the whole schpeal.

Sometimes it's entertaining and other times I want to gouge out my own eyeballs and stick them in my ears so I don't have to see or listen to another damn solicitor. But that's usually only on the extremely horrible days, like a few weeks ago when the Mary Kay ladies came into my office. I'm surprised their Mary Kay make-up didn't melt right off their faces from the stink eye I was giving them.

Today, however, the most entertaining solicitor came in. I wasn't at all interested in what she had to sell, instead, it was just her appearance and the way she spoke just fascinated me. I let her talk for a good ten minutes before I remembered that I didn't actually want to buy anything from her. She looked like a real-live muppet. Her eyes stuck out about an inch from the sockets, her hair was perfectly coiffed and her body had this kind of natural lerpyness to it. But the best part was the way she spoke. She didn't move her mouth at all. Her lips and jaw didn't even move a millimeter. But, like a very talented ventriloquist, I could understand every word she said without even a hint of a slur. It was fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.